Codependent vs independent
Let's get a simple overview of codependency first. Codependency, described as 'an excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of identity', is now generally recognised as an addiction in itself - one that if it goes untreated, can be passed on from one generation to the next.
The most fertile ground for this emotional dis-ease to develop and flourish in, is within a dysfunctional family setting. This dysfunction could be caused by a family member or members having an addiction - drugs - prescription or street, gambling, drink, food, sex, rage - or perhaps when a family member is disabled or frequently taken ill - whether that illness is physical or emotional.
Everyone in the family is affected - everyone in the family takes a role. There is of course the Central character - the 'olic (of whichever type) or the Unwell person - and the Enabler, or perhaps Enablers - who try to make sure everything's okay - to make sure the Central character is happy and appeased.
This is an exhausting and full-time job which may not leave time and energy for the children in the house, leading to them becoming neglected, not only emotionally but sometimes physically as well.
Daughters can become Enablers/Mothers Little Helpers or the The Good Girl - high-achieving at school/Head Girl material, or if favoured by the addict, Mummy's Favourite Girl or Daddy's Little Princess. Sons may fall into the role of Little Husband as Mum relies on him for all her emotional needs or maybe he feels he has to be 'The Man of the House' - even though he's only 9.
Everyone has to turn into someone that they are not - no one gets a decent childhood - and no one talks about how they feel or what goes on - because of the SHAME of it all.
Others may become delinquent and act out in an effort to not only get attention but also to try and express their anger, fear and frustration. These kids are often made into the family Scapegoat or Black Sheep - this way everyone can point to them as the source of all the family's problems.
Time passes. The children get older - their bodies appear to be adult now. Some may leave home as soon as they can. A minority will stay home for far too long - unable to drop their caring role.
Those leaving are pretty certain that their troubles are over because they've left it all behind - not realising that every aspect of their personal experience is packed in to their rucksacks along with their clothes and toiletries - and that Australia isn't far enough.
With this sort of baggage in tow, what sort of relationships can they hope to have?.....
Those young people who may have turned to addiction by now might attract an Enabler just like their enabling parent. Those used to enabling will soon be attracted to someone that needs 'fixing' with the love and attention that they have buckets of to give.
Some may even meet a functional person or two. But they are unlikely to get into a long-term relationship with them - as an independent, calm and reliable person is quickly labelled as 'dull' - because by now 'love' is associated with drama, excitement and pain.
At a subconscious level - as Robin Norwood explains in her book 'Women Who Love Too Much' - women (and often men too) are unwittingly following a pattern laid down years before and are opting for an unfulfilling and dysfunctional relationship - feeling sure that, this time, the love and attention that they can give will, this time, bring the love attention and appreciation that they are longing for - but have never ever had.
Loving Too Much - as Norwood terms it - can lead to the most disastrous and damaging results. The codependent Enabler, who often becomes both Manager and Martyr, may also end up being the one who becomes chronically ill - migraines, IBS, M.E, depression, food allergies, skin complaints, cancer and even mental illness such as panic attacks, schizophrenia or mania. All this time, the Central character who has been cushioned and protected from all the consequences of their actions and behaviours, wonders what an earth can be going on!
But - when a rock bottom is reached - and a rock bottom is often the greatest gift, when the Enabler has finally had enough - then there is a chance for recovery - a chance to change.
Now they can look to learn to be independent instead.
One of life's mysteries....
Do you remember the excitement of feeling those mystery objects through your Christmas stocking - trying to work out what they might be, having a guess - before pulling them out and opening them up.
I'd forgotten the sense of anticipation and wonder that bubbles up in us on Christmas morning but, unexpectedly, it came rushing back while I was hunting lazily for a grocery item at the bottom of my shopping bag, in the dark, in my car. My stomach did a little memorial flip, even though it wasn't a stocking, wasn't a mystery and wasn't even Christmas.
In so many ways, at all different ages and stages of our lives, we like to be surprised, to look forward eagerly to future events, without knowing how they'll be.
In other news, I'm planning a Vision Board Workshop for the end of this month. Does creating a vision board today from all our hopes and dreams for tomorrow seem to be removed from the delicious elements of mystery and surprise? Well - I guess vision boarding can be about taking control of our lives without necessarily being too controlling about it.
We can aspire, imagine, plot, project, plan and scheme as we flick through old magazines, scissors and glue to hand, opening our hearts and minds to the inspiration found within the images and the words.
For sure, we can arrange those images and add those words to show us where we want to be, with whom and even where - but the lump in our stocking is not knowing exactly how and when our dreams will manifest.
Isn't it exciting when we open up to life's limitless possibilities?
Do you remember the excitement of feeling those mystery objects through your Christmas stocking - trying to work out what they might be, having a guess - before pulling them out and opening them up.
I'd forgotten the sense of anticipation and wonder that bubbles up in us on Christmas morning but, unexpectedly, it came rushing back while I was hunting lazily for a grocery item at the bottom of my shopping bag, in the dark, in my car. My stomach did a little memorial flip, even though it wasn't a stocking, wasn't a mystery and wasn't even Christmas.
In so many ways, at all different ages and stages of our lives, we like to be surprised, to look forward eagerly to future events, without knowing how they'll be.
In other news, I'm planning a Vision Board Workshop for the end of this month. Does creating a vision board today from all our hopes and dreams for tomorrow seem to be removed from the delicious elements of mystery and surprise? Well - I guess vision boarding can be about taking control of our lives without necessarily being too controlling about it.
We can aspire, imagine, plot, project, plan and scheme as we flick through old magazines, scissors and glue to hand, opening our hearts and minds to the inspiration found within the images and the words.
For sure, we can arrange those images and add those words to show us where we want to be, with whom and even where - but the lump in our stocking is not knowing exactly how and when our dreams will manifest.
Isn't it exciting when we open up to life's limitless possibilities?
Forgiveness of Self and Others
So - why are we talking about Forgiveness? Forgiveness of our Selves and others?
Speaking from my own experience, when I became conscious/woke up if you like, I became incredibly aware - it was as if the scales had been lifted from my eyes and then HD technicolor and wraparound stereo sound were thrown in on top. And there was a period (seemingly unending) when I become super-aware of not only my own shortcomings, which had now been claimed and named - but also everyone else's as well...like hundreds of tiny reflective mirrors and echoes.
It was like I could never unknow or unsee any of this stuff from now on in.
And I was advised to accept everything - exactly as it was - not trying to change anyone or anything else, apart from my self of course! Furthermore to stay calm and accept my Self exactly as I'd been, how I had become and even how I still was.
Added to this acceptance - much of which we discussed last time - I had to be prepared to forgive my Self and others.
There are surely many ways to approach forgiveness of Self and others - but one approach I'd like to share with you is this: a quote from A Course in Miracles: " Fear binds the world. Forgiveness sets it free." This quote is the subtitle for the chapter 'Forgiving the Past' in Life Loves You by Louise Hay and Robert Holden.
In this chapter, Robert and Louise are discussing why some people can't hear/won't accept that Life Loves You. Louise explains that some people won't believe theses words because of guilt.
Guilt is described as a loss of innocence, it's what we experience when we've forgotten the basic truth - that we are loveable. When we lose sight of this, our feeling of unworthiness causes us to feel unloveable and often to behave in unloving ways towards others.
Further on, Louise explains that her most important work has been to help people to heal guilt.
She wrote, " feeling guilty about what you did, or what someone did to you, doesn't make the past go away. Guilt doesn't make the past better......when you feel guilt or believe that you are unworthy, you should use it as a sign that you need to heal..."
She tells us that this is done by Forgiveness. Robert asks her where we might begin with such a vast subject.
Louise explains, " loving your inner child....until you love your inner child you will have no idea how loveable you are, and you won't see how much life loves you."
How do we love the inner child? "The same way you love your adult self," she says, "by ceasing all self-judgment."
She goes on to tell us, "Loving the inner child is about forgiving ourselves for our loss of innocence and loss of goodness. The truth is we all did the best we could with what we knew at every stage of our childhood. And yet, we may still be judging ourselves and punishing ourselves for not having done it better, for making mistakes, for abandoning ourselves, for upsetting others and for not being a good enough boy or girl. Until we forgive ourselves, we will be trapped in a prison of righteous resentment. Forgiveness is the only way out of this prison. Forgiveness sets you free."
Unsurprisingly for Louise Hay, she recommends a mirror work meditation. (Please ask if you'd like a copy).
So - what could prevent us from cracking on with this work - forgiveness of self/forgiveness of others? With Self - is it that it seems weak, self-indulgent, cheating?
With others - fear? Of what? Rejection, retaliation, abandonment, anger? Payoffs? 4 M's?
What helps? With Self - 'Do as you would be done by' attitude/how would you treat a child or friend?
With others/parents/family - a gratitude list for things learned/inherited from them.
For both - compassion compassion compassion
So - why are we talking about Forgiveness? Forgiveness of our Selves and others?
Speaking from my own experience, when I became conscious/woke up if you like, I became incredibly aware - it was as if the scales had been lifted from my eyes and then HD technicolor and wraparound stereo sound were thrown in on top. And there was a period (seemingly unending) when I become super-aware of not only my own shortcomings, which had now been claimed and named - but also everyone else's as well...like hundreds of tiny reflective mirrors and echoes.
It was like I could never unknow or unsee any of this stuff from now on in.
And I was advised to accept everything - exactly as it was - not trying to change anyone or anything else, apart from my self of course! Furthermore to stay calm and accept my Self exactly as I'd been, how I had become and even how I still was.
Added to this acceptance - much of which we discussed last time - I had to be prepared to forgive my Self and others.
There are surely many ways to approach forgiveness of Self and others - but one approach I'd like to share with you is this: a quote from A Course in Miracles: " Fear binds the world. Forgiveness sets it free." This quote is the subtitle for the chapter 'Forgiving the Past' in Life Loves You by Louise Hay and Robert Holden.
In this chapter, Robert and Louise are discussing why some people can't hear/won't accept that Life Loves You. Louise explains that some people won't believe theses words because of guilt.
Guilt is described as a loss of innocence, it's what we experience when we've forgotten the basic truth - that we are loveable. When we lose sight of this, our feeling of unworthiness causes us to feel unloveable and often to behave in unloving ways towards others.
Further on, Louise explains that her most important work has been to help people to heal guilt.
She wrote, " feeling guilty about what you did, or what someone did to you, doesn't make the past go away. Guilt doesn't make the past better......when you feel guilt or believe that you are unworthy, you should use it as a sign that you need to heal..."
She tells us that this is done by Forgiveness. Robert asks her where we might begin with such a vast subject.
Louise explains, " loving your inner child....until you love your inner child you will have no idea how loveable you are, and you won't see how much life loves you."
How do we love the inner child? "The same way you love your adult self," she says, "by ceasing all self-judgment."
She goes on to tell us, "Loving the inner child is about forgiving ourselves for our loss of innocence and loss of goodness. The truth is we all did the best we could with what we knew at every stage of our childhood. And yet, we may still be judging ourselves and punishing ourselves for not having done it better, for making mistakes, for abandoning ourselves, for upsetting others and for not being a good enough boy or girl. Until we forgive ourselves, we will be trapped in a prison of righteous resentment. Forgiveness is the only way out of this prison. Forgiveness sets you free."
Unsurprisingly for Louise Hay, she recommends a mirror work meditation. (Please ask if you'd like a copy).
So - what could prevent us from cracking on with this work - forgiveness of self/forgiveness of others? With Self - is it that it seems weak, self-indulgent, cheating?
With others - fear? Of what? Rejection, retaliation, abandonment, anger? Payoffs? 4 M's?
What helps? With Self - 'Do as you would be done by' attitude/how would you treat a child or friend?
With others/parents/family - a gratitude list for things learned/inherited from them.
For both - compassion compassion compassion
Vision boarding - creating that picture of health...
Type 'Vision Boards' into your search engine and you will be inundated with images, advice, topics and tips on this popular on-trend method of manifesting your dreams and goals.
Lucinda Cross, best-selling author and international speaker, defines creating a vision board as being, "like selling an idea to yourself!"
Recently I ran a highly successful vision board workshop at the popular Solihull Well Being Clinic.
8 of us came together to create our own personalised 'pictures of health' - physical, spiritual and emotional health, that is.
I began the morning by sharing a bit about vision boards - how they can be so effective in taking what has begun as an idea in our heads and bringing it out to where it can be seen - the power to be gained from gazing at/contemplating on the words and images that define where we want to be next. I was also able to let the group know how vision boards can provide a useful structure for working 1:1 with a life coach. We each shared a little about what we were hoping to gain from the morning and what had brought us there that day.
Plentiful resources were at hand and we were soon making more mess than a classroom of 5 year olds! Cork boards, magazines, scissors, glue, stickers, felt pens and pins. We reminded ourselves that focusing on the 5 Fs would give us a helpful structure; Family Friends Faith Finance and Fitness.
As may well be imagined, there were various approaches to creating our vision boards. Avid page rippers, tearing their way through magazines removing any word or image that seemed to call them, contemplative page turners finding something of interest and neatly cutting it out before placing it on a neat pile for possible sticking later and the slow starters who wished they'd started wishing and dreaming over a week ago. But, above all, there was the positive energy created by the group itself, as they talked, shared resources, made suggestions even told stories of past vision board successes. We drank tea and coffee, ate snacks - carefully brushing the crumbs away before they became embedded in glue. Snip. Stick. Rip. Tear. Stamp. Review. Laugh. Chat. The morning passed far too quickly by.
We talked about not only the value of seeing our vision boards every day, even if only for the briefest time, but also of the value in regularly re-evaluating our boards as well. Whenever we achieve something, we can remove it and replace it with the next dream or goal. It's good to keep the old ones though so we can see how far we've come. Nor should we be afraid to edit our board. Sometimes what we first thought we wanted turns out not to be what our heart wanted at all.
The beauty of the vision board is that it visually and tangibly supports our dreams and helps to close the gap between where we are now and where we'd like to be next.
Group members left the session (somewhat reluctantly to tell you the truth) clutching their personalised vision boards, having done all they could and proudly shown them to each other.
All agreed that it had been a creative, energising and in some cases surprising experience - and feeling that it was wonderful to squander so much time on themselves and on having so much fun.
Feedback on the morning was also most encouraging:
Fabulous. This course has given me clarity to what I really want in life,"
It certainly opened up my mind to the possibility of change.
A gathering of like-minded people.
Caroline is fabulous - practical, motivating with a great sense of humour.
Excellent experience. Definitely brings your vibration up and helps you to focus on the things you want.
I realised that my wants and needs are more powerful than the superficial - thank you for inspiring me.
Type 'Vision Boards' into your search engine and you will be inundated with images, advice, topics and tips on this popular on-trend method of manifesting your dreams and goals.
Lucinda Cross, best-selling author and international speaker, defines creating a vision board as being, "like selling an idea to yourself!"
Recently I ran a highly successful vision board workshop at the popular Solihull Well Being Clinic.
8 of us came together to create our own personalised 'pictures of health' - physical, spiritual and emotional health, that is.
I began the morning by sharing a bit about vision boards - how they can be so effective in taking what has begun as an idea in our heads and bringing it out to where it can be seen - the power to be gained from gazing at/contemplating on the words and images that define where we want to be next. I was also able to let the group know how vision boards can provide a useful structure for working 1:1 with a life coach. We each shared a little about what we were hoping to gain from the morning and what had brought us there that day.
Plentiful resources were at hand and we were soon making more mess than a classroom of 5 year olds! Cork boards, magazines, scissors, glue, stickers, felt pens and pins. We reminded ourselves that focusing on the 5 Fs would give us a helpful structure; Family Friends Faith Finance and Fitness.
As may well be imagined, there were various approaches to creating our vision boards. Avid page rippers, tearing their way through magazines removing any word or image that seemed to call them, contemplative page turners finding something of interest and neatly cutting it out before placing it on a neat pile for possible sticking later and the slow starters who wished they'd started wishing and dreaming over a week ago. But, above all, there was the positive energy created by the group itself, as they talked, shared resources, made suggestions even told stories of past vision board successes. We drank tea and coffee, ate snacks - carefully brushing the crumbs away before they became embedded in glue. Snip. Stick. Rip. Tear. Stamp. Review. Laugh. Chat. The morning passed far too quickly by.
We talked about not only the value of seeing our vision boards every day, even if only for the briefest time, but also of the value in regularly re-evaluating our boards as well. Whenever we achieve something, we can remove it and replace it with the next dream or goal. It's good to keep the old ones though so we can see how far we've come. Nor should we be afraid to edit our board. Sometimes what we first thought we wanted turns out not to be what our heart wanted at all.
The beauty of the vision board is that it visually and tangibly supports our dreams and helps to close the gap between where we are now and where we'd like to be next.
Group members left the session (somewhat reluctantly to tell you the truth) clutching their personalised vision boards, having done all they could and proudly shown them to each other.
All agreed that it had been a creative, energising and in some cases surprising experience - and feeling that it was wonderful to squander so much time on themselves and on having so much fun.
Feedback on the morning was also most encouraging:
Fabulous. This course has given me clarity to what I really want in life,"
It certainly opened up my mind to the possibility of change.
A gathering of like-minded people.
Caroline is fabulous - practical, motivating with a great sense of humour.
Excellent experience. Definitely brings your vibration up and helps you to focus on the things you want.
I realised that my wants and needs are more powerful than the superficial - thank you for inspiring me.
https://www.solihullwellbeingclinic.com/single-post/2018/01/15/Making-Space-through-Life-Coaching
Making a space and how coaching can be a powerful tool to help...
For much of my younger life I held the belief that in order to bring about change, to make things happen, I needed to be feverishly planning, plotting, organising and arranging. Annually, New Years Resolutions would be made - pages would be filled with lists of things To Do - or 'not to do' anymore. Aids and equipment might be purchased, borrowed or made in order to get the project going. Life was full of Promise for the first few weeks of every year...the Promise that soon, one day, not long now, the plan, the change, the project would come to be.
Sound familiar at all?
Increasingly, I realised that I had been looking down the wrong end of the telescope on this one.
Last year for instance, I was reading a Turning of the Year-type blog by Robert Holden, Coach and Hay House author. https://www.robertholden.org/blog/5-new-ways-start-new-year/
He claimed wittily that in the run up to Christmas he felt, " Tis the season to declutter, fa la la la la!" He wrote that he started with physical decluttering - kitchen cupboards, clothes, CDs and this prepared him for a spiritual decluttering. As he says, " a space for miracles." "Space is a womb, essential for birthing something new".
This article really grabbed my interest and stayed with me throughout last year. And this year there's been even more written and spoken about decluttering and making a space.
Have you seen it, heard it and felt it too?
Hayhouse has been offering free videos on making space by expert in Feng Shui and space clearing, Denise Linn.
http://www.learn.hayhouseu.com/certifiedcluttercoach-video1-firststepclearingclutter
Denise tells us that what we surround ourselves with has an effect on our destiny - the way we see ourselves. She refers to decluttering as Modern Day Alchemy. She tells us that any clutter clearing done with intent and clarity is powerful - "do it with consciousness - like a ceremony".
We might ask, "What counts as clutter?" If you don't love it, don't use it, it's probably clutter. Clutter can be a trigger for old memories and negative associations. Denise tells us that whatever blocks us can begin to dissolve as we physically make a space.
We could expand to talk about making a space for financial flow - if only 'space here' allowed!
Suffice it to say that money can only flow in when we make a space. Decluttering our debts and bills, rearranging our work space, streamlining our staffing, delegating tasks to others.
Check out Rob Moore and 'The Law of Vacuum Prosperity' and the art of Leveraging. Intrigued?
Take a look...
Personally, I had two or three really good decluttering sessions with clothes and shoes last year. It was tremendously liberating, energising and uplifting. Charity shops felt the benefit, I felt the benefit and it left a space for lovely new clothes to come right in.
Since Christmas, inspired by Denise Linn, I have been through the home again, looking at ornaments, pictures and books. It was amazing how many objects in the house were things that I don't like, no longer use and were sometimes given by friends who are no longer part of my life.
I'm free to take this to any level that I like. I've cleared my client room of old client files - I need to make space for the stream of clients that are coming my way!
I'm clearing time and space in my day to meditate - following Reid Tracy's (CEO Hay House) commitment to at least 20 minutes a day. It gives me space to hear what my True Self has to say.
Further opportunities lie ahead; to clear slow-moving, long-lingering foods from my food plan, to reduce the plastic and packaging in my bins, to unsubscribe from even more emails, to make space in my diary to do the things I love - or even just to be.
Be listening to music, be out for a walk, be still, be looking and listening into that space.
Towards the end of Robert's blog, he writes of talking with his friend Paul McKenna about New Year goals. Paul said, "in the past I used to set a lot of New Year goals but now I prefer to think about how I live my values." Robert agreed wholeheartedly with this.
As a Life Coach, this principle really resonates with me. In coaching, we believe that when a client can name and talk about their core beliefs and values and line them up to match their aims and goals, then prosperity success and abundance will easily flow, carrying them forward from where they are to where they want to be.
This year, make a space to find out what your True Self wishes for you. Make a space to work with me. A space for the Goodness to come flowing in. We'll take the time to identify your core beliefs and values, to find out what really matters to you.
Of course coaching will still involve a plan with steps and stages, but that journey will be greatly enriched by coach and client working together to take the time, to make the space to discern the most effective direction for the client to take.
Recently, on leaving, a client exclaimed to me, " It seems so selfish and indulgent to spend an hour talking about myself!"
"On the contrary", I explained, "when you take the time and make a space for you - and you feel your heart's desires opening up for you, the benefit of the outflow will be felt by everyone around you."
I'm holding a space for you...
Caroline Gibbs. Coaching Together.
https://www.solihullwellbeingclinic.com
https://www.caroline-gibbs.com
Making a space and how coaching can be a powerful tool to help...
For much of my younger life I held the belief that in order to bring about change, to make things happen, I needed to be feverishly planning, plotting, organising and arranging. Annually, New Years Resolutions would be made - pages would be filled with lists of things To Do - or 'not to do' anymore. Aids and equipment might be purchased, borrowed or made in order to get the project going. Life was full of Promise for the first few weeks of every year...the Promise that soon, one day, not long now, the plan, the change, the project would come to be.
Sound familiar at all?
Increasingly, I realised that I had been looking down the wrong end of the telescope on this one.
Last year for instance, I was reading a Turning of the Year-type blog by Robert Holden, Coach and Hay House author. https://www.robertholden.org/blog/5-new-ways-start-new-year/
He claimed wittily that in the run up to Christmas he felt, " Tis the season to declutter, fa la la la la!" He wrote that he started with physical decluttering - kitchen cupboards, clothes, CDs and this prepared him for a spiritual decluttering. As he says, " a space for miracles." "Space is a womb, essential for birthing something new".
This article really grabbed my interest and stayed with me throughout last year. And this year there's been even more written and spoken about decluttering and making a space.
Have you seen it, heard it and felt it too?
Hayhouse has been offering free videos on making space by expert in Feng Shui and space clearing, Denise Linn.
http://www.learn.hayhouseu.com/certifiedcluttercoach-video1-firststepclearingclutter
Denise tells us that what we surround ourselves with has an effect on our destiny - the way we see ourselves. She refers to decluttering as Modern Day Alchemy. She tells us that any clutter clearing done with intent and clarity is powerful - "do it with consciousness - like a ceremony".
We might ask, "What counts as clutter?" If you don't love it, don't use it, it's probably clutter. Clutter can be a trigger for old memories and negative associations. Denise tells us that whatever blocks us can begin to dissolve as we physically make a space.
We could expand to talk about making a space for financial flow - if only 'space here' allowed!
Suffice it to say that money can only flow in when we make a space. Decluttering our debts and bills, rearranging our work space, streamlining our staffing, delegating tasks to others.
Check out Rob Moore and 'The Law of Vacuum Prosperity' and the art of Leveraging. Intrigued?
Take a look...
Personally, I had two or three really good decluttering sessions with clothes and shoes last year. It was tremendously liberating, energising and uplifting. Charity shops felt the benefit, I felt the benefit and it left a space for lovely new clothes to come right in.
Since Christmas, inspired by Denise Linn, I have been through the home again, looking at ornaments, pictures and books. It was amazing how many objects in the house were things that I don't like, no longer use and were sometimes given by friends who are no longer part of my life.
I'm free to take this to any level that I like. I've cleared my client room of old client files - I need to make space for the stream of clients that are coming my way!
I'm clearing time and space in my day to meditate - following Reid Tracy's (CEO Hay House) commitment to at least 20 minutes a day. It gives me space to hear what my True Self has to say.
Further opportunities lie ahead; to clear slow-moving, long-lingering foods from my food plan, to reduce the plastic and packaging in my bins, to unsubscribe from even more emails, to make space in my diary to do the things I love - or even just to be.
Be listening to music, be out for a walk, be still, be looking and listening into that space.
Towards the end of Robert's blog, he writes of talking with his friend Paul McKenna about New Year goals. Paul said, "in the past I used to set a lot of New Year goals but now I prefer to think about how I live my values." Robert agreed wholeheartedly with this.
As a Life Coach, this principle really resonates with me. In coaching, we believe that when a client can name and talk about their core beliefs and values and line them up to match their aims and goals, then prosperity success and abundance will easily flow, carrying them forward from where they are to where they want to be.
This year, make a space to find out what your True Self wishes for you. Make a space to work with me. A space for the Goodness to come flowing in. We'll take the time to identify your core beliefs and values, to find out what really matters to you.
Of course coaching will still involve a plan with steps and stages, but that journey will be greatly enriched by coach and client working together to take the time, to make the space to discern the most effective direction for the client to take.
Recently, on leaving, a client exclaimed to me, " It seems so selfish and indulgent to spend an hour talking about myself!"
"On the contrary", I explained, "when you take the time and make a space for you - and you feel your heart's desires opening up for you, the benefit of the outflow will be felt by everyone around you."
I'm holding a space for you...
Caroline Gibbs. Coaching Together.
https://www.solihullwellbeingclinic.com
https://www.caroline-gibbs.com
https://www.solihullwellbeingclinic.com/single-post/2017/09/22/Thoughts---How-Reliable-Are-They
Freer to be me. "The results are in".
As planned, the 3 part course, Free to be Me took place at the Solihull Wellbeing Clinic during the month of May. Even though I say so myself, it was a great success. Success being that the 8 members were a joy to work with and that the course clearly made such a positive difference to all our lives. As I said to the group one evening, "I only hope you are all loving this course as much as me!"
I'd like to share with you the key points and highlights from the course as I feel they demonstrate the powerful effect that even a lighter touch of coaching can provide.
The power of just talking to one another - also know as Changing State - no coach needed at this point.
A quick discussion on what Freedom meant to the group produced the following list - Free to make choices. Time for me. Fewer limitations/restrictions. Freedom from guilt. Ability to say No and mean it. Personal growth. Change. Feel the Fear and do it Anyway. Just do it!
Using tried and tested coaching tools.
A number line was used to register each members current satisfaction in regard to feeling free to be themselves. They talked about things they already do that support more feelings of freedom.
One of the many beautiful things about coaching is the practice of focusing on the positive, flagging up what's already going well. The group came up with: liking your own company, mindfulness, meditation and yoga. Planning and organising, communication clearly, being authentic. Getting up earlier following creative pursuits.
Using creativity and vision to make the goal more real.
After Week One, the group went away to create individual vision boards to illustrate what their lives will be looking like when they are Freer to be Themselves.
Sharing commonalities and ideas. No coach needed for this pairs work.
In week two the group enjoyed looking at and discussing each other's vision boards. Perhaps unsurprisingly, there were many common themes and visions: the green of outdoors and nature, leisure pursuits, scenes depicting peace and tranquility. In addition there were strong messages about valuing ourselves, eating healthily and resting well, progressing and expanding, enjoying adventures, trying new skills. No sports cars, wads of cash, dazzling partners, Gucci merchandise or foreign cruises. We jotted down some key ideals. To be at work , even f/t work, but 'lighter' more work/life balance. Permission to self to be happy NOW. Make up for lost time. More time to laugh, to play, have fun. More joy. To be 'moving' more, to take on some mentoring, help, learning.
Getting honest, Focused, naming and nailing down. Great exercise in authentic action - stepping out of Denial. (Remember, it's not a river in Egypt..)
The group used another popular coaching tool, the Wheel of Life, to 'rate' each area of their lives in relation to how Free to be Me they felt in each of them. There were some surprises there but as one member said, "at least there's no denying where the blocks are currently lying in my life".
Trying out new behaviour and acknowledging how far we've come.
Between Week 2 and 3 the group were asked to each take one small action in a low-rated area of their Wheel of Life in order to move it up even the slightest increment. The results of this were way beyond our expectations. One person had approached a friend and asked them to come on holiday - something they'd never done before. Another had planned a holiday with their child. Everyone felt there'd been considerable movement since the start of the course. This was reflected in the rise in the satisfaction numbers that they'd given themselves at the start. The course was brought to a triumphal close as the group proudly received their certificates affirming that they were now Freer to be Me!
Using feedback to evaluate the course and to look for ways to improve.
The group were asked to comment on the following areas: content, resources, venue, delivery of sessions, usefulness. Feedback from the 8 group members indicated that the course had been enjoyable, useful and informative. The majority of ratings were 'excellent' with a couple of 'good' as well.
Comments included: 'loved the informal nature of the course, not to mention the humour - was enlightening and interesting'. 'Be happy to recommend Caroline's courses to others'. 'Great mix of people who willingly shared'. 'I found a lot in common with the group'.
Such positive feedback and ratings determine my intention to run further courses here at the Solihull Wellbeing Clinic. Pleas watch this space (website) for news of future courses coming up.
Contact me for more information about coaching opportunities via info@caroline-gibbs.com or my Coaching Together website www.caroline-gibbs.com or via info@solihullwellbeingclinic.com
I look forward to working with you whenever you are ready.
Caroline Gibbs is an NCP (National Council of Therapists) registered Life Coach holding an EDI qualification in Performance Coaching including NLP along with qualifications in Counselling Skills, Solution Focused Thinking and Psychology.
As planned, the 3 part course, Free to be Me took place at the Solihull Wellbeing Clinic during the month of May. Even though I say so myself, it was a great success. Success being that the 8 members were a joy to work with and that the course clearly made such a positive difference to all our lives. As I said to the group one evening, "I only hope you are all loving this course as much as me!"
I'd like to share with you the key points and highlights from the course as I feel they demonstrate the powerful effect that even a lighter touch of coaching can provide.
The power of just talking to one another - also know as Changing State - no coach needed at this point.
A quick discussion on what Freedom meant to the group produced the following list - Free to make choices. Time for me. Fewer limitations/restrictions. Freedom from guilt. Ability to say No and mean it. Personal growth. Change. Feel the Fear and do it Anyway. Just do it!
Using tried and tested coaching tools.
A number line was used to register each members current satisfaction in regard to feeling free to be themselves. They talked about things they already do that support more feelings of freedom.
One of the many beautiful things about coaching is the practice of focusing on the positive, flagging up what's already going well. The group came up with: liking your own company, mindfulness, meditation and yoga. Planning and organising, communication clearly, being authentic. Getting up earlier following creative pursuits.
Using creativity and vision to make the goal more real.
After Week One, the group went away to create individual vision boards to illustrate what their lives will be looking like when they are Freer to be Themselves.
Sharing commonalities and ideas. No coach needed for this pairs work.
In week two the group enjoyed looking at and discussing each other's vision boards. Perhaps unsurprisingly, there were many common themes and visions: the green of outdoors and nature, leisure pursuits, scenes depicting peace and tranquility. In addition there were strong messages about valuing ourselves, eating healthily and resting well, progressing and expanding, enjoying adventures, trying new skills. No sports cars, wads of cash, dazzling partners, Gucci merchandise or foreign cruises. We jotted down some key ideals. To be at work , even f/t work, but 'lighter' more work/life balance. Permission to self to be happy NOW. Make up for lost time. More time to laugh, to play, have fun. More joy. To be 'moving' more, to take on some mentoring, help, learning.
Getting honest, Focused, naming and nailing down. Great exercise in authentic action - stepping out of Denial. (Remember, it's not a river in Egypt..)
The group used another popular coaching tool, the Wheel of Life, to 'rate' each area of their lives in relation to how Free to be Me they felt in each of them. There were some surprises there but as one member said, "at least there's no denying where the blocks are currently lying in my life".
Trying out new behaviour and acknowledging how far we've come.
Between Week 2 and 3 the group were asked to each take one small action in a low-rated area of their Wheel of Life in order to move it up even the slightest increment. The results of this were way beyond our expectations. One person had approached a friend and asked them to come on holiday - something they'd never done before. Another had planned a holiday with their child. Everyone felt there'd been considerable movement since the start of the course. This was reflected in the rise in the satisfaction numbers that they'd given themselves at the start. The course was brought to a triumphal close as the group proudly received their certificates affirming that they were now Freer to be Me!
Using feedback to evaluate the course and to look for ways to improve.
The group were asked to comment on the following areas: content, resources, venue, delivery of sessions, usefulness. Feedback from the 8 group members indicated that the course had been enjoyable, useful and informative. The majority of ratings were 'excellent' with a couple of 'good' as well.
Comments included: 'loved the informal nature of the course, not to mention the humour - was enlightening and interesting'. 'Be happy to recommend Caroline's courses to others'. 'Great mix of people who willingly shared'. 'I found a lot in common with the group'.
Such positive feedback and ratings determine my intention to run further courses here at the Solihull Wellbeing Clinic. Pleas watch this space (website) for news of future courses coming up.
Contact me for more information about coaching opportunities via info@caroline-gibbs.com or my Coaching Together website www.caroline-gibbs.com or via info@solihullwellbeingclinic.com
I look forward to working with you whenever you are ready.
Caroline Gibbs is an NCP (National Council of Therapists) registered Life Coach holding an EDI qualification in Performance Coaching including NLP along with qualifications in Counselling Skills, Solution Focused Thinking and Psychology.
Free to be Me
March 27th 2017
Imagine if you will that we're already free - rather than imagining a seemingly endless struggle (mostly 'away' from ourselves) to some unknown place and time when we might eventually feel free to be ourselves.
Instead of focusing on some unspecified future time, we could turn our attention inwards and ask ourselves, "what blocks me from feeling that freedom, right here, right now?"
Our blocks - when we turn our attention to them - may be many and varied, although it's likely that some of them hang on common threads. Several of my peers agreed that lowered expectations for our gender may have left some of us feeling limited and marginalised. Coming from a different generation, we have sometimes felt trapped by our wombs, by traditional marriage, motherhood and by juggling work and running a family and home.
Other blocks that clients share with me include a conviction that they couldn't possibly contemplate free until they'd firstly freed everyone else, (sadly an impossible task), or they weren't aware they had a choice to be free or if they did they didn't feel worthy or deserving of that freedom.
Perceived blocks to creative, expressive and financial freedom often result from a lack of education and qualifications which, in turn, result in the lack of a meaningful and rewarding career - as laid out in society's scale of 'values'.
As has often been said, "Denial is not a river in Egypt", and many clients didn't just feel undeserving of freedom, they had little or no idea what freedom might actually mean or look like - often because it had never been modelled to them.
In writing of these blocks, I do not wish to dismiss or diminish the density and impact of poverty, dysfunctional living and mental illness as far bigger hurdles to overcome. However, if there is a capacity and willingness within a person to break away and change then I believe that, with compassionate professional help and appropriate peer group support, even these bigger blocks can be reduced in size. I have a wealth of experience and knowledge in the field of recovery from alcoholism - whether through direct addiction or growing up in or living with the disease itself.
As a qualified Life Coach it has been hugely valuably for me to go through this 'unblocking' process myself. This has brought a real authenticity to what I have to offer clients that are drawn to me.
Through coaching with its specific language and behaviours, the client is offered a safe, fertile and expansive space to unravel and explore these blocks to freedom. Using a tailored approach to suit the individual client's needs, inspired by their personal vision for a preferred future, we work together to name and ultimately remove these blocks, supported by a variety of trusted tools and techniques - most important of which is that 'curious questioning' technique we coaches love to use!
If you are interested in getting in touch with the inner freedom you already possess but have not yet accessed, there are several ways you can proceed:
In addition to 1:1 sessions here at the clinic or in my home, I will be speaking on the topic, Free to be Me on Saturday April 22nd at the SpringTree of Life Festival
https://treeoflifemagazine.co.uk/april-2017/22-apr-spring-tree-of-life-festival/
I am also offering a 3-part evening course 'Free to Be Me' at the Solihull Wellbeing Clinic starting on Wednesday May 10th (see Classes/Groups page for details and to register for a place.)
Contact me via info@caroline-gibbs.com or my Coaching Together website www.caroline-gibbs.com or via info@solihullwellbeingclinic.com
I look forward to working with you whenever you are ready.
Caroline Gibbs is a registered Life Coach holding an EDI in Performance Coaching. She is also a qualified member of National Council of Psychotherapists (MNCP) with experience of Counselling Skills, Solution Focused Thinking and Psychology.
My client testimonials show the effectiveness of coaching in releasing the client from the blocks that can deny us the freedom we already have.
"I feel more in control of my situation, more empowered to deal with things..." Sarah
"Being guided to find and then work through blocks was hard work but definitely pushed me to move forward..." Laura
"It became quite a cleansing and liberating process and one that pointed me in the right direction towards the happy path I am currently on..." Tracey
It wasn't until I had the coaching sessions that I was helped to recognise my behaviours..." Teresa
March 27th 2017
Imagine if you will that we're already free - rather than imagining a seemingly endless struggle (mostly 'away' from ourselves) to some unknown place and time when we might eventually feel free to be ourselves.
Instead of focusing on some unspecified future time, we could turn our attention inwards and ask ourselves, "what blocks me from feeling that freedom, right here, right now?"
Our blocks - when we turn our attention to them - may be many and varied, although it's likely that some of them hang on common threads. Several of my peers agreed that lowered expectations for our gender may have left some of us feeling limited and marginalised. Coming from a different generation, we have sometimes felt trapped by our wombs, by traditional marriage, motherhood and by juggling work and running a family and home.
Other blocks that clients share with me include a conviction that they couldn't possibly contemplate free until they'd firstly freed everyone else, (sadly an impossible task), or they weren't aware they had a choice to be free or if they did they didn't feel worthy or deserving of that freedom.
Perceived blocks to creative, expressive and financial freedom often result from a lack of education and qualifications which, in turn, result in the lack of a meaningful and rewarding career - as laid out in society's scale of 'values'.
As has often been said, "Denial is not a river in Egypt", and many clients didn't just feel undeserving of freedom, they had little or no idea what freedom might actually mean or look like - often because it had never been modelled to them.
In writing of these blocks, I do not wish to dismiss or diminish the density and impact of poverty, dysfunctional living and mental illness as far bigger hurdles to overcome. However, if there is a capacity and willingness within a person to break away and change then I believe that, with compassionate professional help and appropriate peer group support, even these bigger blocks can be reduced in size. I have a wealth of experience and knowledge in the field of recovery from alcoholism - whether through direct addiction or growing up in or living with the disease itself.
As a qualified Life Coach it has been hugely valuably for me to go through this 'unblocking' process myself. This has brought a real authenticity to what I have to offer clients that are drawn to me.
Through coaching with its specific language and behaviours, the client is offered a safe, fertile and expansive space to unravel and explore these blocks to freedom. Using a tailored approach to suit the individual client's needs, inspired by their personal vision for a preferred future, we work together to name and ultimately remove these blocks, supported by a variety of trusted tools and techniques - most important of which is that 'curious questioning' technique we coaches love to use!
If you are interested in getting in touch with the inner freedom you already possess but have not yet accessed, there are several ways you can proceed:
In addition to 1:1 sessions here at the clinic or in my home, I will be speaking on the topic, Free to be Me on Saturday April 22nd at the SpringTree of Life Festival
https://treeoflifemagazine.co.uk/april-2017/22-apr-spring-tree-of-life-festival/
I am also offering a 3-part evening course 'Free to Be Me' at the Solihull Wellbeing Clinic starting on Wednesday May 10th (see Classes/Groups page for details and to register for a place.)
Contact me via info@caroline-gibbs.com or my Coaching Together website www.caroline-gibbs.com or via info@solihullwellbeingclinic.com
I look forward to working with you whenever you are ready.
Caroline Gibbs is a registered Life Coach holding an EDI in Performance Coaching. She is also a qualified member of National Council of Psychotherapists (MNCP) with experience of Counselling Skills, Solution Focused Thinking and Psychology.
My client testimonials show the effectiveness of coaching in releasing the client from the blocks that can deny us the freedom we already have.
"I feel more in control of my situation, more empowered to deal with things..." Sarah
"Being guided to find and then work through blocks was hard work but definitely pushed me to move forward..." Laura
"It became quite a cleansing and liberating process and one that pointed me in the right direction towards the happy path I am currently on..." Tracey
It wasn't until I had the coaching sessions that I was helped to recognise my behaviours..." Teresa
Living Wholeheartedly
I have based my thoughts on the topic around this quote from Brene Brown, the American research professor, who specialises in studying vulnerability, courage, worthiness and shame.
She writes in ‘The Gifts of Imperfection : Let go of who you think you're supposed to be and embrace who you are’;
"Wholehearted living is about engaging with our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion and connection to wake up in the morning and think, 'No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I AM ENOUGH.'
It's going to bed thinking, 'Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid but that doesn't change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging”.
Isn’t that a wonderful, healthy interpretation of how life could be if we were living wholeheartedly? But how many of us are currently living half-heartedly? Living for our family, living for our jobs, living for our latest love, living for the next holiday, living for when we win the Lottery - just living for the weekend even!
Michael Jordan, the legendary Chicago Bulls Basketball player says, " I don't do things half-heartedly. Because if I do, then I can expect half-hearted results."
Wholeheartedly - even the word sounds good doesn't it? Shout out some more positive words that have whole in – “wholesome”, “whole foods”, “whole grain”. If we give ourselves a little phonetic license, we may include “holistic” and “holism” – words that are concerned with complete systems. I read recently that the word “holy” comes from the same root as whole - when we say something is holy, we're saying it is undivided and complete. Makes good sense to me...
So, going back to the opening line of the Brene Brown quote - "Wholehearted living is about engaging with our lives", this made me think - if we're engaging with our lives it means we've learned not to be overly-involved in the lives of others - we've learned to keep the focus on ourselves, to invest time and energy in our own journey. Isn't that rather selfish? No, not necessarily. When things are right with us, when we're living wholeheartedly, everyone around us benefits as well.
There are three important C’s - Courage, Compassion and Connection. These are the opposites of Fear, Judgement and Isolation which are surely three signs of half-hearted living. What does it take to move from them to cultivating Courage, Compassion and Connection? I mentioned earlier, half-hearted living seems to happen more easily, therefore it feels that this cultivating must involve a process. It’s like a garden of fragrant flowers takes effort, but weeds grow just by themselves!
For me, the process involves developing physical, spiritual and emotional awareness. This includes self-awareness, self-acceptance and self-forgiveness. After-all, we can only be aware of others, accept them and forgive them if we have done the same for ourselves. These processes are constantly bolstered by trust, faith and hope. Slowly but surely, this process, this investment in my Self, has led me to believe, more often than not, that I am loveable, I AM ENOUGH.
At times it was tough not to fall into the trap of measuring and listing my better qualities and supposing that they were what made me worthy. And conversely, believing that when I am human and imperfect I am no longer worthy and deserving.
The sense of wholeness is not earned - no one is keeping a tally! I don't have to do this in order to warrant that. My Higher Power, God, Universal Being loves me unconditionally. I am always enough, in His eyes. I am accepted, inspite of my imperfections and vulnerabilities.
I was reminded of this by a monk at an Abbey in Leicestershire, who shared the following message with me, “God cannot NOT love us”. I was amazed - and thrilled too.
Am I imperfect, vulnerable and sometimes afraid? Oh yes! Thank Goodness - because it means I'm human - and accepting my humanness combats my some time crippling perfectionism and self-criticism. Paradoxically, from a Higher perspective, we are always perfect and 'safe'.
How can we too be brave and feel worthy of Love and Belonging? I want to ask, 'How can we NOT be worthy?
(Here comes my excuse to dig out my Maslow's Hierachy of Needs again..)
It's No 3 after Physiological Needs and Safety Needs. Fundamental to our chances at Self-Actualisation and ultimately, Transcendence Needs - helping others to achieve self-actualisation.
Some of us who have missed out on that sense of Love and Belongingness in childhood and teenage years may feel more familiar with Fear, Judgement and Isolation but we can change our outlook at any time that we're ready to start the work - to be open to transformation.
In any audience there may be some who are already living wholeheartedly and are here to carry a positive message to others and there may be some who are yearning for a more 'whole-listic' life experience. We can all be here offering Love, being Love - we are all woven into the same cloth, all Belonging.
What teenagers want
Teenagers. Ideally and potentially, our hope for the future. Bright, fresh, intelligent, full of drive and purpose. Young adults looking forward to the journey, choosing their career paths, forging relationships, gleaning the knowledge and experiences they'll need to see them through their twenties and beyond. That is the ideal - and thankfully there are many such functional young people in our society today.
However, in my role as Family Support Worker at a large secondary school I was more likely to meet and work with less resilient young people who, for diverse reasons, were seemingly disinterested and unable to connect with those opportunities and desires. Listening to these teenagers over the years, it became apparent that there were recurring themes and gaps in their lives that were creating barriers to them moving forward.
We've all heard and used the stereotypes for teenagers. We even laugh about them together.
Moody, rebellious, hormonal, independent, risk-taking, sexually and socially aware - the list is not exhaustive. We now know that teenagers are not only bombarded with hormones at this stage of their lives but they are also experiencing another bout of hard-wiring similar to that time just after they are born. Behaviour may seem almost 'autistic-like' as they appear not to read your facial expressions, accuse you of shouting when you're not...their 'settings seem to have gone completely awry. Risk-taking behaviours may be up due to changes in the pre-frontal cortex, part of a really important developmental process, (according to Sarah-Jayne Blakemore, Professor of Cognitive Neuroscience). Melatonin the hormone that induces sleepiness comes in at around 2 a.m for teenagers instead of around 10 p.m. - the norm in adults. Ironically, they actually need a lot of sleep as they are also going through spurts of physical growth - so no wonder they're impossible to get out of bed in the mornings. What were once our small, biddable children have almost overnight turned into gangling, argumentative young people, often towering over us.
We can only imagine or - perhaps - remember how difficult and unsettling those years are for them. In fact it can be helpful to put ourselves back in their shoes and connect with the teenager that every one of us once has been. Reflecting on how we felt, what helped us, can give us insight into what might be best for them.
Those small children they used to be probably thrived on childhood routines, rules and repetition, safe within the boundaries that most parents, carers and teachers provide. Yet, suddenly, just before the teenage years, all that begins to change - not least with the transition from primary to secondary school. A handful of teachers, delivering lessons in one or two familiar rooms can become anything between 10 and 15 teachers in as many rooms, spread across an unknown site with nowhere to hang your coat or even leave a bag. Instead of being those big fish in a small pond, they are suddenly small fry spilled out into an unfamiliar and choppy ocean.
Resilient children swim easily and confidently from the pond to the sea, revelling in the new adventure, taking the changes in their stroke. For less resilient children, this transition can prove to be quite dramatic and parents may see a drastic change or increased difficulties for a sensitive child. Many 11-12 year olds were referred to me in Year 7 and often it was only a matter of time and confidence building that was needed to help them settle in. Other students seemed to carry on struggling and under-achieving generally throughout their five years at school. Although it is accepted that our school days are NOT always the happiest days of our lives - some of these young people's problems lay more within the home.
So often we only hear what young people say, whilst focusing on negative behaviour - rather than looking beyond to see what they really mean.
All behaviour is communication and it helps to find out what's really going on behind it. One studious young person I worked with for several weeks confided that she preferred to be secretive and never told her mother anything, preferring to share her darkest fears and even suicidal thoughts with her peer group, whilst doing the same for them. She felt she couldn't trust her mum to manage her stuff as her mum had frequently shown that she couldn't even manage her own feelings.
Sometimes parents going through their own personal difficulties will share all their problems and thoughts with their children when no other adult is there to hear. This can be an intolerable burden for a young person and result in them slipping into a parental role towards an adult that's meant to be caring for them. The impact of this can sometimes have a lasting effect on the subsequent relationships they later choose.
Another female student was running wild and getting up to all sorts in the parks at night but when we talked at length she just wanted parents who were home to worry about her - "to make me stop", rather than being out at the pub till late or round at the homes of their friends.
Stroppy teenagers making seemingly endless demands - "I need a new phone/new shoes/an outfit for Non-Uniform Day" - may be really saying that they're frightened, don't feel they fit in and feel they need these external things to help them make friends and become popular.
At this stage of their development, their friends and their peers are far more important and influential to them than their parents. But this is not our moment to feel hurt, step back and give up on them. Nor is it the time to try and act like one of their friends. Often students complained that mum was borrowing their clothes, making friends on Facebook with their friends and joining in with sleepovers and parties in the home. One said, 'I just want my mum to be my mum - I don't need another friend.'
The insults, 'I hate you/you're a naus', is more likely to translate as, "I hate myself, please help me. I know I'm pushing you away - but please don't go away." Equally, if they are pushing against any boundaries you have been putting in - it's unlikely that they want you to drop the boundary - they're just checking that it's safely in place and where the limit is. (Remember those small children who loved routine, rules and repetition? They're still in there somewhere.)
One young person I met preferred to stay in his room all the time. Parents possibly presumed that he didn't want to be part of the family any more. He said, however, that he did it because the atmosphere downstairs was so oppressive. He would be lectured, questioned, warned, advised and scolded for even the smallest things. As parents, we can often feel out of control after years of knowing where they are, what they're doing and who they're doing it with. But building up trust bit by bit through reasonable boundaries has to better than trying to control with an iron fist and condemnation. After all - if we don't show we trust them - how can they learn to trust themselves?
Young people who feel that their lives are out of their control, will use various methods to gain back some form of control for themselves. Behaviour around eating is a classic for not only girls but for boys as well. "I'm not hungry/I'm not eating this/I told you I don't like this" or silently pushing their food around their plate until a scene ensues, can all be ways of saying, "I feel cornered, without any choices or room for manoeuvre and this is the only way I can get you back."
Conversely, a person unable to handle or process their emotions may seek comfort in overeating instead and this can occasionally be a pre-cursor to cutting and self-harm.
Several young people I met were living away from the family home, often with a grandparent or even in foster care. In some cases this was due to abuse - domestic, sexual, emotional or addictions. Other times, it was because the relationships within the family had broken down irretrievably. Sometimes a new partner seemed unable or unwilling to get on with the child. The onus is always on the adults to reach out/build and maintain positive relationships with the child - not the other way round - this sometimes gets forgotten.
One of the most common complaints I heard from these young people was that their own parent didn't put them first. (When you think about it, why wouldn't we put our own flesh and blood before a new adult who may or may not become a permanent feature in our lives? A child is for life not just for Christmas.) The impact on that young person perceiving that they were not as important to their parent as a new stranger coming into the home can be permanently damaging to their sense of value, esteem and worth.
Ultimately, isn't it about keeping those channels of communication open? And, if we accept that all behaviour is communication then we must ask ourselves what we are communicating to our teenagers when we leave them for hours on end in their bedrooms, or only ever lecture and interrogate when they come down or never ask them to (make them) contribute to helping out in the house...
We started this article off by asking what teenagers want. At the end of the day is it so very different from what we want and need ourselves? Unconditional, positive attention, time to talk and to be heard. To be respected, understood, to be trusted and to feel trustworthy. To be cared about, encouraged and loved.
It can be as easy as ABC: Attention Boundaries Consistency.
Teenagers. Ideally and potentially, our hope for the future. Bright, fresh, intelligent, full of drive and purpose. Young adults looking forward to the journey, choosing their career paths, forging relationships, gleaning the knowledge and experiences they'll need to see them through their twenties and beyond. That is the ideal - and thankfully there are many such functional young people in our society today.
However, in my role as Family Support Worker at a large secondary school I was more likely to meet and work with less resilient young people who, for diverse reasons, were seemingly disinterested and unable to connect with those opportunities and desires. Listening to these teenagers over the years, it became apparent that there were recurring themes and gaps in their lives that were creating barriers to them moving forward.
We've all heard and used the stereotypes for teenagers. We even laugh about them together.
Moody, rebellious, hormonal, independent, risk-taking, sexually and socially aware - the list is not exhaustive. We now know that teenagers are not only bombarded with hormones at this stage of their lives but they are also experiencing another bout of hard-wiring similar to that time just after they are born. Behaviour may seem almost 'autistic-like' as they appear not to read your facial expressions, accuse you of shouting when you're not...their 'settings seem to have gone completely awry. Risk-taking behaviours may be up due to changes in the pre-frontal cortex, part of a really important developmental process, (according to Sarah-Jayne Blakemore, Professor of Cognitive Neuroscience). Melatonin the hormone that induces sleepiness comes in at around 2 a.m for teenagers instead of around 10 p.m. - the norm in adults. Ironically, they actually need a lot of sleep as they are also going through spurts of physical growth - so no wonder they're impossible to get out of bed in the mornings. What were once our small, biddable children have almost overnight turned into gangling, argumentative young people, often towering over us.
We can only imagine or - perhaps - remember how difficult and unsettling those years are for them. In fact it can be helpful to put ourselves back in their shoes and connect with the teenager that every one of us once has been. Reflecting on how we felt, what helped us, can give us insight into what might be best for them.
Those small children they used to be probably thrived on childhood routines, rules and repetition, safe within the boundaries that most parents, carers and teachers provide. Yet, suddenly, just before the teenage years, all that begins to change - not least with the transition from primary to secondary school. A handful of teachers, delivering lessons in one or two familiar rooms can become anything between 10 and 15 teachers in as many rooms, spread across an unknown site with nowhere to hang your coat or even leave a bag. Instead of being those big fish in a small pond, they are suddenly small fry spilled out into an unfamiliar and choppy ocean.
Resilient children swim easily and confidently from the pond to the sea, revelling in the new adventure, taking the changes in their stroke. For less resilient children, this transition can prove to be quite dramatic and parents may see a drastic change or increased difficulties for a sensitive child. Many 11-12 year olds were referred to me in Year 7 and often it was only a matter of time and confidence building that was needed to help them settle in. Other students seemed to carry on struggling and under-achieving generally throughout their five years at school. Although it is accepted that our school days are NOT always the happiest days of our lives - some of these young people's problems lay more within the home.
So often we only hear what young people say, whilst focusing on negative behaviour - rather than looking beyond to see what they really mean.
All behaviour is communication and it helps to find out what's really going on behind it. One studious young person I worked with for several weeks confided that she preferred to be secretive and never told her mother anything, preferring to share her darkest fears and even suicidal thoughts with her peer group, whilst doing the same for them. She felt she couldn't trust her mum to manage her stuff as her mum had frequently shown that she couldn't even manage her own feelings.
Sometimes parents going through their own personal difficulties will share all their problems and thoughts with their children when no other adult is there to hear. This can be an intolerable burden for a young person and result in them slipping into a parental role towards an adult that's meant to be caring for them. The impact of this can sometimes have a lasting effect on the subsequent relationships they later choose.
Another female student was running wild and getting up to all sorts in the parks at night but when we talked at length she just wanted parents who were home to worry about her - "to make me stop", rather than being out at the pub till late or round at the homes of their friends.
Stroppy teenagers making seemingly endless demands - "I need a new phone/new shoes/an outfit for Non-Uniform Day" - may be really saying that they're frightened, don't feel they fit in and feel they need these external things to help them make friends and become popular.
At this stage of their development, their friends and their peers are far more important and influential to them than their parents. But this is not our moment to feel hurt, step back and give up on them. Nor is it the time to try and act like one of their friends. Often students complained that mum was borrowing their clothes, making friends on Facebook with their friends and joining in with sleepovers and parties in the home. One said, 'I just want my mum to be my mum - I don't need another friend.'
The insults, 'I hate you/you're a naus', is more likely to translate as, "I hate myself, please help me. I know I'm pushing you away - but please don't go away." Equally, if they are pushing against any boundaries you have been putting in - it's unlikely that they want you to drop the boundary - they're just checking that it's safely in place and where the limit is. (Remember those small children who loved routine, rules and repetition? They're still in there somewhere.)
One young person I met preferred to stay in his room all the time. Parents possibly presumed that he didn't want to be part of the family any more. He said, however, that he did it because the atmosphere downstairs was so oppressive. He would be lectured, questioned, warned, advised and scolded for even the smallest things. As parents, we can often feel out of control after years of knowing where they are, what they're doing and who they're doing it with. But building up trust bit by bit through reasonable boundaries has to better than trying to control with an iron fist and condemnation. After all - if we don't show we trust them - how can they learn to trust themselves?
Young people who feel that their lives are out of their control, will use various methods to gain back some form of control for themselves. Behaviour around eating is a classic for not only girls but for boys as well. "I'm not hungry/I'm not eating this/I told you I don't like this" or silently pushing their food around their plate until a scene ensues, can all be ways of saying, "I feel cornered, without any choices or room for manoeuvre and this is the only way I can get you back."
Conversely, a person unable to handle or process their emotions may seek comfort in overeating instead and this can occasionally be a pre-cursor to cutting and self-harm.
Several young people I met were living away from the family home, often with a grandparent or even in foster care. In some cases this was due to abuse - domestic, sexual, emotional or addictions. Other times, it was because the relationships within the family had broken down irretrievably. Sometimes a new partner seemed unable or unwilling to get on with the child. The onus is always on the adults to reach out/build and maintain positive relationships with the child - not the other way round - this sometimes gets forgotten.
One of the most common complaints I heard from these young people was that their own parent didn't put them first. (When you think about it, why wouldn't we put our own flesh and blood before a new adult who may or may not become a permanent feature in our lives? A child is for life not just for Christmas.) The impact on that young person perceiving that they were not as important to their parent as a new stranger coming into the home can be permanently damaging to their sense of value, esteem and worth.
Ultimately, isn't it about keeping those channels of communication open? And, if we accept that all behaviour is communication then we must ask ourselves what we are communicating to our teenagers when we leave them for hours on end in their bedrooms, or only ever lecture and interrogate when they come down or never ask them to (make them) contribute to helping out in the house...
We started this article off by asking what teenagers want. At the end of the day is it so very different from what we want and need ourselves? Unconditional, positive attention, time to talk and to be heard. To be respected, understood, to be trusted and to feel trustworthy. To be cared about, encouraged and loved.
It can be as easy as ABC: Attention Boundaries Consistency.
